First Dates done Gluten Free

Oh the wondrous world of dating. It is full of highs and lows, and ups and downs. And no matter how you met the other person at some point, title or not, there will be a “first date.” The first date raises so many questions: how do we make a decision together, how does the other person reach a decision, where will we meet, what will we do, what time works best, what to wear, what on earth are you going to talk about, or more important what are you NOT going to talk about.

First dates can become the beautiful story folks share at their wedding reception that are so sweet, it leaves the entire audience a little dewy-eyed and feeling magical. Or, they can be so awful and terrifying that they make you question the good of humanity, like how can so much crazy be walking around, freely out there? It doesn’t matter if you were friends first, meet via an ap, or were set-up by your mothers, first dates come with their fair amount of anxiety. So let’s compound it by having a serious digestive disease, shall we?

I know, what does Celiac Disease (Coeliac Disease) really have to do with first dates? Sociologically speaking, humans are social creatures and our social events almost always involve eating or drinking. Whenever there is something to consume, Celieac Disease steps in and plays the leading role. This disease affects our guts as well as how we gather, hang out, and have fun. Sharing experiences I have found helps others navigate these sometimes turbulent waters. So I am starting off by picking a hard one: first dates.

Also, because I have one this week. Eek! There are certainly some basic rules for first dates done gluten free (scroll to the end of this post for the list). First though I will go over my recommendations for first dates (after some serious crash and burn experiences). Planning a first date will depend a on how well you know each other:

The Coffee Date: If you have not met in person yet either through a dating ap, blind date, or a set-up…

Okay, for all intents and purposes, you’ve most likely texted a few times with this person, maybe had a phone-call, maybe even a video chat. This is the first time you will get to test out if you can sustain an in-person conversation. I always like to keep these dates to about an hour, with another fun activity planned for myself afterwards. This way I have a real excuse for leaving, I have to stick to that even if I am having a good time (this is a first date, not getting fully invested), and if it totally bombs and the other person is a complete jerk, I am doing something that makes me feel good and that I enjoy, in order to wash the bad taste of “total waste of my time” out of my mouth.

Since the date is only going to last an hour, I always suggest getting coffee or a drink. I lean towards coffee, because sometimes alcohol can weaken resolve. This has the added benefit of not having to include food, which is an advantage here. If you haven’t told this person that you have Celiac Disease, you don’t have to share that information with someone who is a virtual stranger. If you feel comfortable with the person, by all means share that you have a dietary restriction. I would leave it to that because I can’t tell you how many dates turn into talking about Celiac Disease for over an hour. I hate it when the entire conversation revolves around Celiac because: it makes it seem like the world revolves around my condition, the other person doesn’t get to know anything else about me, and worst of all, I don’t get to learn anything about the other person. You are NOT defined by this disease, and you don’t want to leave that impression. If this person seems worth getting to know more, there will be plenty of time to delve into the topic … later. Right now is about you getting to know them and them getting to know the fabulous, multi-faceted person you are.

The Dinner Date: If you have met in person before at a party, picked up on at a bar, or your friend’s BBQ…

You’ve met this person maybe once, so you know what they look like and things went well enough in your first conversation that you’ve agreed to spend a couple hours of your life getting to know this person better. Plan the date in advance and let the other person know you have Celiac Disease. I say tell them because while some restaurants offer “gluten free” they don’t really have much on the menu that’s safe for you to consume (like one salad option sans half of the ingredients, ugh). Letting your date know that this isn’t the gluten free fad thing, it’s a real concern, and being honest up front avoids a lot of awkwardness when you’re together (plus your date will feel bad and that’s never fun).

• If you’re in charge of picking, ask the other person what kind of food they really enjoy, then make a suggestion for a restaurant that you know is safe to eat at.
• If you want to leave it up to the other person to decide, make several specific gluten free restaurants suggestions with various food types, for example, one serves Thai, a Wine Bar, an American Burger Joint, and a Pizza place.
• If both of you are new to the area or your date suggests a specific spot you’ve never been to, let your date know you would like to check the menu to confirm and you will get back to them. Check out the place online and review the menu. Also, call the restaurant. There are several spots I have been that have “GF” on the menu, but the folks there have zero clue about cross contamination. When I call, I always ask, “I see you have Gluten Free options, do you know if they are safe for people with Celiac Disease?” It’s a good way to test their knowledge. If the restaurant seems safe, confirm with your date it’s okay to meet there. If you don’t get the good vibes when calling the restaurant, then let your date know it’s not the best place and be prepared to have a different specific restaurant suggestion (research and call the new restaurant if you’ve never been).

If you are already friends: Caution they may think they know all about your disease but they won’t.

This person may know you pretty well, you’ve hung out in group situations, or took trips with your crew together, but chances are this friend doesn’t know Celiac the way you do. Do not assume that because this person knows that you have Celiac Disease or Gluten Intolerance, they understand how all of it works. *And it isn’t their responsibility to.* I recommend taking the exact same measures for the Dinner Date outlined above.

When you tell your potential date you have Celiac Disease and it doesn’t go well:

Sometimes, people will not want to go out on a date or get to know you because you tell them you have a dietary restriction. Plain and simple. We could spend all day on the whys but that’s a wasted effort. They may be mature enough to say no to you directly, or they may not show up to the date, or they may tell you you’re doing the fad thing and go off on you. It hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot. It can feel like you will be alone forever because who would want to deal with someone who has this? Stop. That. Thought. There are so many people who do want to get to know you and will support your gluten free lifestyle because they value who you are. The people who won’t date you because of it, are pretty small minded, impatient, ignorant, or selfish. In other words, you don’t want to be dating them to begin with, and trust me, you dodged a bullet. I like to think that having Celiac Disease really helps me in the dating realm: it is one of the easiest litmus tests, if they can’t do this, then why would I want to date them??

Gluten Free or Dietary Restriction First Date/ Dating Rules:

• You are always 100% responsible for your own health
• Do not trust or rely on others to verify something is safe to consume
• Always assume the other person does not know about Celiac Disease (even if they say they do)
• The other person is NOT responsible for keeping you safe, learning all there is to know about Celiac Disease, picking a place that has safe options (at least not until way down the road)
• Do not be condescending when trying to explain Celiac Disease, when it doubt, kept it short and define it as a dietary restriction or allergy
• Do not spend more than 5 minutes on the topic if possible – you are more than your disease and they want to get to know you!!
• If you don’t feel safe, don’t eat it and don’t drink it. If they have a problem with it, that is on them not on you. Stand your ground!
• Be kind and gracious to the servers (and YOUR DATE!!)
• Let the other person eat the bread basket. You don’t miss it because it’s poison.

I hope you all found this post helpful! In the future, I will follow-up with a post written from the other perspective: for folks who are “non-gfers” (not gluten free) with pointers about dating a person who has Celiac Disease or Gluten Intolerance.

Good luck out there and remember, you are so loved!!

Your Fellow Gluten Free Adventurer